Well I am God. So I can do pretty much what I like can’t I. So, I’m off to do the same thing over at The Kaiser. Today was Wednesday, and we missed the Open Deity but we will catch up with that next week.

One of the many challenges of being God is managing all of your requests. I’m sure you can imagine that I do get rather a lot of them, so many in fact that I have to have Gabriel screen them and print off the ones marked urgent. An example of a typical request can be found here.

“What is Truth?” Pontius Pilate didn’t understand the Truth Model.

Over the last 2000 years I have developed a suite of business models to help my managers track, benchmark and measure the success of the products and strategies that we launch within specific brand ranges. Over the course of the next couple of weeks I intend to explore and explain these models in order for you to get a better understanding of the way my organisation works.

First up in this series is TRUTH.

The TRUTH model is a simple score carding system that my managers use to assess the effectiveness of short-term tactical campaigns when launching a new product within a particular brand range.

These are the key components of TRUTH

Tactic: Description of tactical campaign
Reaction: Binary assessment of the tactic
Usurpation: Can our competitor profit from this tactic?
Traction: Will the product hold? Has the tactic made the product sticky?
Holiness: What level of Holiness can the product reach on the basis of the tactic?

Here are two examples of the TRUTH Model in action:

Truth Model: Forgiveness

Truth Model: False Gods

The TRUTH model makes it very easy to track and monitor any number of short-term tactics and report the results in a compact and timely manner.

I am well aware that the subject of dinosaurs has led to some confusion amongst staff and consumers alike. This is regrettable and something that I should have cleared up a long time ago. In the spirit of transparency and accountability that the platform of this blog offers, I would like explain just what dinosaurs are and why they are there.

I can now confirm that dinosaurs are there to test your FAITH™.

When I began this undertaking I very soon realised, I think it was on the evening of day 6, that I would need a mechanism for assessing customer loyalty and so I developed FAITH™ or Future Activity Intrinsic Trust Hormone. This hormone, located at the base of the spine, just above your buttocks, indicates your current loyalty towards my organisation and gives me vital information about how I am performing.

The idea was to, at regular intervals:

• implement a due diligence programme
• check my performance
• see if the hormone was working correctly.

Up until the middle of the 19th century I was receiving a constant flow of FAITH™ data and could adjust my service to the needs of my customers. However, around 1820, I discovered some anomalies in the data and by 1830 the data had become very confusing so I decided to test your FAITH™ with the most ridiculous objects I could come up with; dinosaurs.

The results were shocking. The research programme showed that the hormone was not working properly and that by the end of the 21st Century the hormone would cease to function completely.

I have been working on a range of new Trust Hormones, but most of those are still in Beta and are not expected to be released until the summer of 2012.

Corporate TransparencyFaithDinosaurs

Jon Howard asked:

“Augustine or Palagius: who was right in your book?”

One of the good things about false starts, product errors etc is that sometimes, just sometimes a happy accident occurs. And so it was with L.O.V.E. As I have written L.O.V.E didn’t exactly go the way I wanted it to, but from it I managed to develop a new product which has been a market leader for about 2.000 years; “Should I Not”, or as it’s known today SIN.

Now, as any CEO worth his salt will tell you, having a great product is one thing, but managing that product over multiple regions, countries and languages can be a huge challenge to any organisation and can only be achieved with when it’s managed by people who truly believe in the product.

Palagius was a charismatic manager who had a very flexible, open style of management but didn’t really seem to understand the potential of SIN. Augustine, again manager of many skills ran a very tight, hierarchal ship and totally understood SIN both as a product and a way to move the organisation forward. Although I was slightly disappointed by Palagius’ performance I was appalled by the mobbing he was subjected to.

If my memory serves me right, I believe both men had a quick meeting in Carthage and sorted everything out.

Who was right in my book? Well according to the meaning of life records Augustine did have his nose just ahead in terms of performance but both were excellent managers.

GodCorporate Transparency

Agnostic Masses asked:

“Is love really ineffable?”

The Legend of Omnipresent Variable Emotion is indeed a tricky subject and one that I find slightly embarrassing. It’s not easy to talk about projects and strategies that go wrong. My initial response to this question was to reply with “I need to take a view on this one”. But I’ll answer it.

The original idea for an omnipresent variable emotion was to create one, modular based emotion that was capable of supplying my customers with just-on-demand feelings as and when they needed them. Initial tests proved to be quite successful but after a while the O.V.E started mutating and produced a whole range of emotions that were difficult for us to control. We tried to call in the O.V.E’s explaining that there were some problems with the programming but the customers refused to give them back. There was some bad press, some apples were eaten and that’s when the Legend of the Omnipresent Variable Emotion began.

I don’t like talking about it, I’d prefer if it’s never mentioned again, but L.O.V.E is not ineffable.

GodCorporate Transparency

So, here we jolly well go. As I mentioned here every Wednesday I will give you the chance to ask me questions and I’ll do my best to answer them. Had quite a nice “choir” of questions in yesterday so in the spirit of this blog I better get around to asking them.

First up is a question from Mere Mortal.

“Its cliché I know, but what IS the meaning of life?”

The meaning of life is a performance review that I use to ensure constant improvement and growth.

Well, the word “life” is a noun and describes the opposite state to dead. You are alive and you do stuff and when your life is over life it will have no meaning to you because you are then dead. Then you come to me and have a chat about things – and this is the meaning of life performance review.

In the performance reviews we sit down and carefully examine your life, what you did with it and if you generated any value for others, the kingdom of heaven or me. When you get here you are allocated a line manager and he talks you through the results of your review as we see them and gives you the chance to give your side of the story. Together we decide your future within my organisation.

I hope that helped, and finally cleared up the question of what the meaning of life is.

GodCorporate Transparency

My mission for this blog is to offer more transparency, more accountability and more visibility. I want to get to know you better, and for you to get right up close to a modern day deity. So, every Wednesday I’ll give you the opportunity to as me, the Lord God Almighty, questions and I’ll try to answer them as best I can.

I should warn you that my ways are so mysterious that I sometimes baffle myself. But ask away! Please feel free to post your questions in the comments section.

GodCorporate Transparency

Now, I know that I’m new to this corporate CEO blogging thing, but I do know a thing or two about problems. I mean, I’ve been around for ever and considering how many staff I’m responsible for, and what they do to each other, you should expect me to, well, just know about this stuff. I mean, for my sake, they kill each other.

So when I sit down for an evenings internet and spot this post by some chap called Seth Godin (got my eye on him), I have to say that I was a little annoyed.

In it he says:

Tell me a problem that can’t be outlined in six minutes and I’ll show you a problem it’s probably not worth having a meeting about.

Well, my lot have been arguing about Jerusalem for thousands of years, and yes, there have even been some meetings. Probably wasn’t any PowerPoint though, but nonetheless I think it is still worthy of a good sit down with a flip chart, some chocolate biscuits and a road plan for success. Maybe I shall give Jack Welch a call, and get some Six Sigma going.

GodCorporate Transparency

I don’t know, you turn your back for two minutes to keep on eye on some little old lady in the South East of England and all hell breaks loose. I know I’m God, and I know I’m omnipresent, but there are times when you ask yourself; what’s the point?

I’d had my eye on that plane, looked to be doing pretty good if you ask me; the pilots weren’t having a nap or on their mobile phones. Nor were they playing Wii (which I have seen them do from time to time). No, all looked well so I’d thought I’d check up on Mrs. Banfield who was having some trouble with her bad leg.

Then this happens.

Well it’s not my fault. Not my fault at all so don’t go blaming me Chinese Airlines. Sort your bloody act out because I’ve got my eye on the lot of you.